A Beautiful Disaster....

a life less ordinary..

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30 days to go...
me, summer

So, today mike...my fiance..husband..baby daddy..whatever you wanna call him, left for rehab. I STILL cant belive he got arrested..AGAIN. The fact he risked everything again..to go out and get high is beyond me. Y'know..like i understand to an extent..but then again i dont. When i was doing the shit that mikes doing..i didnt have a daughter or a significant other that loved me the way i love him. I had NOTHING..where he..he has everything. I know its a long road ahead, but i truly think he and i can get through it as long as he remains clean. Thats not to say we wont have our fun once in a while..but Summer would have to be with the granparents or a babysitter..and it'd be a once in a while thing. The methadone has helped me greatly...and i plan on staying on it for a but longer...but mike had his chance with that also..and all he did was give dirty urines...it was like he didnt even try to not use.
    I just wanna have the life i deserve and i wanna give my daughter all i never had. My life wasnt one i would wish for Summer. I grew up way to fast, and as much as i loved my mom...she enabled me to ruin myself. She also was an addict and allowed herself to run wild. We got high together...alot...and i cant possibly imagine EVER doing that with my daughter..wich makes me think now..like what the fuck was my mom thinking? How could she ever have thought doing the shit that we did together was ok? I mean...really...it gets me so upset to even just think about it. Who snorts coke with their 17year old daughter?? What it really boils down to is my mom herself was very very very very very sick also..and struggled with countless issues after my dad died back in 93 that she never got help with.
     Anyways...living with my inlaws now is so hard. We are like 2 different types of species...theyre so cold..and abrasive. I've met my fair share of assholes..and the nasty...but these folks are unlike anyone i have ever come across. I can see why Mike ended up a raging heroin addict...he needed to be high to be able to get through the days here. His father is so critical, and judgemental. The man talks just to hear his own voice. He contradicts him self CONSTANTLY..but God help you if you try and point that out to him!! He also belives that he is truly..NEVER wrong. He is always right...especially when it comes to parenting..wich strikes me so funny cause he was barely there for the raising of his 2 sons!!! I mean seriously..Brian..mikes older brother has severe Bipolar disorder and its magnified by his parents...namely the father.
   Now..my mother in law...well she i have more problems with then the father inlaw, and i think thats because she really belived for a very long time that i was just some phase in mikes life. That he would wisen up and leave me for some "good italian" girl. Well, im not justa phase..im the mother of his kid..whom he plans on marrying and it just kills her. No one is good enough for her dear baby mikey...and the bitch needs to CUT THE FUCKIN IMBILICAL CORD. He's 30..ok? She doesnt like....allow me to be his fiance...or allow me to be the mother to my daughter. Shes always second guessing any parental decision i make..from the big to small ones..and it drives me nuts. When i tell my daughter no...she tells her yes..and vice versa. She also..critisizes me on the way i feed,bathe,dress,play, and put to bed my kid. She follows behind me making sure i've closed a ziplock bag "properly"..or that i folded the clothes "correctly". Appearence is EVERYTHING to his parents..and mine just werent like that. Inspite of everything..my mom did love me..and was never afraid to show or tell me so. Same with my father...hugs,kisses, and positive reinforcement were typical in my house hold..where in mikes...they werent.
    I really doubt my abilities to survive here while mikes gone..i mean..like even when he gets out in 29 days...we're stuck here. We're both outta work and have ZERO money. So, untill we are working and save enough for a place of our own..we're kinda fucked to say the least.
    Being here makes me miss my mom so much more then i already do. I just need to remember to breathe and take everything at face value.


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