A Beautiful Disaster....

a life less ordinary..

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)
me, summer

Summers napping, and Tom went to the dry cleaners and i actually am sitting in the blessed silence. Even if its only going to be..like..10min of real privacy...and even if im not doing anything that would warrant being done in private (ie: masturbating,talking shit on the phone,or crying)..its still nice to have the privacy. 
     I didn't realize how lonley life is without any real friends to hang out with on a regular basis. I mean..i would go through phases of wanting friends, but i always had Mike around so the phase would pass..and i'd go back to being content with having just him...but now that hes away..it's like..REALLY lonley. I tried asking my friend Nicole, whom i have known since my wild days as an angsty teen..but she has 2 school age daughters and a husband who hates me still (from back when i would try and get niki to come out clubbing with me), but i dont see it happening. None of the "friends" i have reconnected with on facebook seem to have any intrest in seeing me either..wich hurts. You'd think that ONE would maybe wanna get together..catch up...since i havent seen like all of them in over 10 years now.
   I also tried asking my X Angel to get together..JUST as friends. Geta  brunch in the city and have a mamosa or something...give me a reason to get dressed up all pretty, and be like "HA!"..but again..he didnt seem into it either. That was a real ego killer. It feels as if the next however many days till Mike is out, are gonna be empty yet filled with the same ole shit as every day. The fucked up thing is...is that even if someone wanted to get together..im broker then a dead dog..and i am NOT asking my inlaws to spot me any cash..i dont think they would even if i did ask. They dont want me going out...or having any sort of life while their son is in rehab. 
    Im the one who suffers over and over again because of the shit that Mike does or has done in his active addiction. The lying..the cover ups for the lies...the stealing...all of it..every lil thing i end up feeling the heat for. Im so sick of it...for the FIRST time in my god for saken life i am desperatly trying to do the right thing..be the woman i am meant to be..be the mother i my daughter deserves..and yet i keep getting fucked..and NOT in the good way.
   When i was a junkie...when i cared about NO ONE and NOTHING except myself and my habit..when i was selling my ass to pay for my shit and to make myself feel desired...nothing bad really seemed to happen..and if it did..who cared? But now...now that i am living a real life..and one that isnt all about me..not in the slightest...i cant seem to get a break. I cant seem to be able to get my head above water long enough to take a deep breath. I dont fucking get it..


Log in

No account? Create an account