A Beautiful Disaster....

a life less ordinary..


(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

God, my life truly is the meaning of boring. NOTHING happens. I had to cancel my plans with Niki cause Summer woke up with a wicked cough, and she had a wheezing in her chest. Prolly a URI...wich she definatly caught from my mother inlaw whom had an URI that she brought home from work(she works in a hospital). I fucking knew Summer'd catch it,and i was right. Im praying that she's doing better by tomorrow, its Super Bowl Sunday and i'd like to take her over to Niki's so she can play with Emma&Jessie while i hang with Niki. Im starting to really feel the absence of Mike..im lonley..really lonley.
  The fact that i dont drive never caused me any problems till recent..thats one of the reasons i never had the motivation to learn..i never really needed too, but now..living here..im TRAPPED. If i could drive they prolly would allow me to use one of the 5 cars they have..but because i dont i have no freedom at all. I'd started to feel the pressure of not having a license once i had summer and wanted to be able to go and come as i pleased with my daughter. It wasnt THAT bad though cause Mike had a car..and he drove me where ever i wanted..but that started to get old. I want to..no..i NEED to be able to have the independance a license will give me...i gotta get a permit first of course. So...thats is..goal numero uno...get a permit. I'll have to get one of those booklettes from the DMV, and study. I'll have it in no time.
   Also, i was looking at my old bff's page on FB..and it made me miss her so much. Suna and i were INSEPERABLE when we were together...and it always seemed to me that once she moved to Turkey..that i missed her WAY more then she missed me. After looking at her pix..i know i was right in feeling the way i did all these years. I dont think i was anything but a phase..especially since she blew me off those 2 times the past 2 summers. The first time she said she'd be at the hospital when Summer was born...and blew me off...then i forgave her. When she was supposedly comming to NY this summer...i'd told her how important me seeing her was...especially since my mom was so sick..basically dying of cancer..and then she did die...but Suna fucked me over again. i JUST recently have attempted to forgive her..and i dont know why...after all the pain...old and new that she has caused me.. i still miss her...i still wish i could see her..i still wish she was my bestie. God..WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?!?...it must be the lonliness..its getting to me


(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

well..today the credit card bill came for the card that Mike had been using for the past 2 weeks, He'd taken it without permission and racked up a bill of about $4000...all on drugs...well mostly. Im sure some of it went to cab fare, paying people for rides,and whatever else. His father went bezerk..and with good reason i must say. At first Tom tried saying i knew about it, and taht since i was with Mike 24/7 when he'd gotten outta detox that i musta known..and dont get him wrong i did..but i didnt spend any of it. I wasnt okay with it either. I'd BEGGED him to stop using it, but he insisted that since it was in his name that it was okay. He wasnt going to listen to me..to him it was...free money.
   After all of the ranting, "Im gonna send him to jail"..and shit like that...his parents took me over to the rehab so we could drop off the stuff they'd got for him. I'd explained that we werent supposed to go up to the unit, but that if we wanted to see him..we'd have to play dumb..go right past the "information" desk and take the elevator to the floor. Well, did they listen? NO..and i thought that i wasnt gonna get to see him because they insisted on asking for directions (fucking idiots). I said "fuck this", and walked right past them and the old hag behidn the desk to the elevator. I went right onto the unit, and long story short..I saw Mike for a few seconds. I told him about what happened with the bill comming to the house..he could care less. I tried telling him how serious it was, and that he better call his dad and explain things. I got a kiss, and he saw Summer (who i had in the stroller with me) for a second, and then i went back down to his parents who were waiting in the lobbey.
   Boy was his mom pissed that i got to see him and she didnt. If the bitch had just fucking listened to me, she too coulda seen him..but NO..she wouldnt listen to me.
I got yelled at a lil more by Tom, cause i told Mike about the bill comming (but he'd told me to tell him..so that way when he called he could explain or whatever..i dunno)..Tom really conotradicts himself alot. It gets so fuckin confusing, and usually im the one who gets the brunt of his wrath when he's wrong and knows it.
   Anyways..my friend Niki whom i have known since forever texted me to get together tomorrow, and we made a whole plan so our kids could play together and WE could just chill. She was gonna drive me to the clinic and everything...once Tom caught wind..he like...decieded i cant go..and neither can Summer cause the fuckin forecast predicts icey rain. Yeah, so i dont know..im like to embarrassed to tell this to my friend..and yet i cant just blow her off...so im gonna have to pray for better weather and just maybe call it off if it is nasty out. I have to live here y'know? and i just dont have the fight in me anymore..not over something so petty
.


(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

Another boring day, in my boring stupid life. Im hoping that i'll get to see Mike for a second when i go to drop off some stuff that his parents got him. I doubt it though, since his mom is gonna come with me. My whole plan was to take Summer in with me, and be like, "Cant mike see her just for a second? We came here by bus..please..",but if Barb comes...i can't say that..and they'll never let me see him. She REALLY needs to sever the apron strings and let Mike's WIFE and DAUGHTER fuckin see him. It pisses me off to no end that she has to horn in. He's a grown man...he would rather see his wife over his mother im sure. When she found out that she wasn't home when he called yesturday, and that i got to talk to him without her eavesdropping the entire time..she like blew a fuse. She kept asking me,
   "So Mike'll call again right? He said he'd call again? I havent spoken to him since he got tthere". I wanted to slap her..i seriously did. I cant belive her somtimes, and the fact that she coddles him the way she does. If i had a son...well if i HAVE a son ever..i vow NEVER to be that kind of mother. I also vow to be nice to the woman he chooses the spend his life with( that doesnt mean all the sluts and morons im sure he'll date before he finds his "one" will be treated nicely).


(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

ok so...Tom just came home..comes upstairs...walks right into the computer room, and says,
  "You better not be fuckin around on that facebook bullshit..you better be looking for a job". ALL I DO IS LOOK FOR JOBS, i have applied everywhere and when i say everywhere...i fuckin mean EVERYWHERE..even 711 and MC-FUCKIN-DONALDS!!!!
   Summers awake...


(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

Summers napping, and Tom went to the dry cleaners and i actually am sitting in the blessed silence. Even if its only going to be..like..10min of real privacy...and even if im not doing anything that would warrant being done in private (ie: masturbating,talking shit on the phone,or crying)..its still nice to have the privacy. 
     I didn't realize how lonley life is without any real friends to hang out with on a regular basis. I mean..i would go through phases of wanting friends, but i always had Mike around so the phase would pass..and i'd go back to being content with having just him...but now that hes away..it's like..REALLY lonley. I tried asking my friend Nicole, whom i have known since my wild days as an angsty teen..but she has 2 school age daughters and a husband who hates me still (from back when i would try and get niki to come out clubbing with me), but i dont see it happening. None of the "friends" i have reconnected with on facebook seem to have any intrest in seeing me either..wich hurts. You'd think that ONE would maybe wanna get together..catch up...since i havent seen like all of them in over 10 years now.
   I also tried asking my X Angel to get together..JUST as friends. Geta  brunch in the city and have a mamosa or something...give me a reason to get dressed up all pretty, and be like "HA!"..but again..he didnt seem into it either. That was a real ego killer. It feels as if the next however many days till Mike is out, are gonna be empty yet filled with the same ole shit as every day. The fucked up thing is...is that even if someone wanted to get together..im broker then a dead dog..and i am NOT asking my inlaws to spot me any cash..i dont think they would even if i did ask. They dont want me going out...or having any sort of life while their son is in rehab. 
    Im the one who suffers over and over again because of the shit that Mike does or has done in his active addiction. The lying..the cover ups for the lies...the stealing...all of it..every lil thing i end up feeling the heat for. Im so sick of it...for the FIRST time in my god for saken life i am desperatly trying to do the right thing..be the woman i am meant to be..be the mother i my daughter deserves..and yet i keep getting fucked..and NOT in the good way.
   When i was a junkie...when i cared about NO ONE and NOTHING except myself and my habit..when i was selling my ass to pay for my shit and to make myself feel desired...nothing bad really seemed to happen..and if it did..who cared? But now...now that i am living a real life..and one that isnt all about me..not in the slightest...i cant seem to get a break. I cant seem to be able to get my head above water long enough to take a deep breath. I dont fucking get it..


INSANITY WOLF
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

      god i love these...they're so fuckin funny.... 




Another day..
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

So, yet another day has come and gone. I really thought it couldnt get worse..and TAA-DA...it has. I called the rehab that mike is in, and i had been there myself back in 2006 so i thought i knew how things worked...well things changed..alot. I figured i would get to see him every weekend, cause thats how visiting use to be there..every saturday and sunday. Well..no more. You only get a visit if your gonna be there for 28 days (wich he is) and if your counselor deems appropriate. Also..no incomming calls. There use to be payphones that could recieve incomming calls..well no more. One call a week, and thas it. I cant fucking belive this...how the fuck am i gonna get through this without seeing mike?! It was bad enough when i thought i'd get to see him on the weekends..now..now i dont even get that. 
  I havent felt so alone in a very long time. Today, i actually caught myself as i went to call my mom. She's been dead about 6 monthes now, and i STILL catch myself dialing her cell number. I miss her so much...i can feel the tears rising in my eyes and the barf rising in my throat as i type this. Its just not fair..i mean..i know these are the parents of my daughters father..and i respect them...sorta...but i cant belive people like THEM are alive..and my mom isnt. Call me childish and unreasonable..i dont fucking care. I had my dad taken from me at the tender age of 8, and now my mom taken from me at 26. I'd JUST started to really let my father go..in a healthy way..i'd JUST learned to mourn properly..and then my mom gets cancer and fucking dies. I have such anger brewing inside me, and because i cant fully acknowledge it right now..with all the other shit going on..im sure it will just fester,boil, and stew till it manifests itself in a VERY unhealthy way, and bends me over and fucks me up the ass...ruining my life once again.
  Cause...thats just how things seem to work in my life. As soon as ANYTHING..half way fuckin decent happens to or for me...the world takes a giant shit right onto my head..ruining any one, or thing in my life.
Living here with the inlaws is really fuckin bad..like i have ZERO privacy..and everything..and i do mean EVERYTHING i do is wrong in one way or another. I just dont see how the fuck i am gonna get through this..i really dont. All the anger i am bottling, and stuffing down everyday because of these people just cant possibly be doing me any good. I feel nauseous ALL the damn time now, and i constantly am on the verge of snapping...or bursting into tears.
  My father in law..he just says the rudest,nastiest, most purposely spiteful shit...like with my cat, i had to give her up the other. My moms cat too...since my "step father"..er..X step father picked up and went on the run to AZ even though hes on parole...leaving the 2 cats (he FOUGHT me for when my mom passed) alone in the house. So my inlaws wouldnt let me keep either of them...so my x step dads sister took lady (my moms cat) and Smudge had to go to this halfway house for cats till i can get a place (hopefully) and get her back.
   Now, Tom KNEW how upset i was about all this...and yet..this morning he put on Animal planet just to see that Cats 101 was on. One of the cats was a blood donor..and so Tom says.."Why dont you just bring your cat to that animal place..they'll take care of it just to harvest its blood"....like really? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!
 I stayed silent, got up and left the fucking room. Thas just an example of the shit this man says. He doesnt care about anyones feelings..and really..he LOVES to hear himself talk...to the point of wanting to kill him everytime i hear his voice,
   Im trying to make plans for this weekend, so Summer and i can go out...even if just for a lil. I have never regretted not learning to drive more then i do now. I also seem to have been lead on about that job in a salon....god..can NOTHING go right? Im so fed up...i really need to see the silver lining..cause right about now..all i see are storm clouds.



(no subject)
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

 I know im gonna get caught one of these times when im giving my father inlaw the finger behind his back. I find myself whispering horrible things under my breath to him, and giving him the quiet "finger" alot. My hatred just seems to be intensifying with each nasty and insulting remark he makes. At dinner..he got pissy because i havent been eatting salad lately. He was all,
   "Your ingratful..you'll be making your own dinner from now on. Dont expect me or my wife to make it"...and inside im like,
   "GOOD! i'd rather make my own meals..fuck you...fuck you fuck you!". I just cant take this. He told me earlier today that i better learn the bus route to the meth clinic cause "in case he cant drive me"..wich really means "in case i dont feel like driving you". Hes sucha fat asshole. Oh! He also HATES whenever i use the computer...he likes lurks in the doorway or finds some reason to come in the computer room and leer over me. I have no privacy whatsoever..even on the phone.
  I was talking to my sister, and there he was...eavesdropping. He even refered to something i had said to HER at dinner. So nothing is private. Im not use to living like this...i dont think i'll ever be use to living like this.
  I need to find a job...i need to start earning cash so i can get me and summer outta here...I know they mean well in the grand scheme of things..cause really they dont have to let me live here..but still...i dont have to like them. I do respect them cause of all the help they have given me and my daughter..but..like them? as people? nope..

Ok...my father inlaw just walked in here and was all like.."Whatcha workin on?" Like he cares. when i said,
   "Its an online journal"..he made a face and walked out murmming to himself about how could i have anything worth while in my head to write about. Like...really? Does he really need to be so fuckin mean>?


30 days to go...
me, summer
xsilentskreamx

So, today mike...my fiance..husband..baby daddy..whatever you wanna call him, left for rehab. I STILL cant belive he got arrested..AGAIN. The fact he risked everything again..to go out and get high is beyond me. Y'know..like i understand to an extent..but then again i dont. When i was doing the shit that mikes doing..i didnt have a daughter or a significant other that loved me the way i love him. I had NOTHING..where he..he has everything. I know its a long road ahead, but i truly think he and i can get through it as long as he remains clean. Thats not to say we wont have our fun once in a while..but Summer would have to be with the granparents or a babysitter..and it'd be a once in a while thing. The methadone has helped me greatly...and i plan on staying on it for a but longer...but mike had his chance with that also..and all he did was give dirty urines...it was like he didnt even try to not use.
    I just wanna have the life i deserve and i wanna give my daughter all i never had. My life wasnt one i would wish for Summer. I grew up way to fast, and as much as i loved my mom...she enabled me to ruin myself. She also was an addict and allowed herself to run wild. We got high together...alot...and i cant possibly imagine EVER doing that with my daughter..wich makes me think now..like what the fuck was my mom thinking? How could she ever have thought doing the shit that we did together was ok? I mean...really...it gets me so upset to even just think about it. Who snorts coke with their 17year old daughter?? What it really boils down to is my mom herself was very very very very very sick also..and struggled with countless issues after my dad died back in 93 that she never got help with.
     Anyways...living with my inlaws now is so hard. We are like 2 different types of species...theyre so cold..and abrasive. I've met my fair share of assholes..and the nasty...but these folks are unlike anyone i have ever come across. I can see why Mike ended up a raging heroin addict...he needed to be high to be able to get through the days here. His father is so critical, and judgemental. The man talks just to hear his own voice. He contradicts him self CONSTANTLY..but God help you if you try and point that out to him!! He also belives that he is truly..NEVER wrong. He is always right...especially when it comes to parenting..wich strikes me so funny cause he was barely there for the raising of his 2 sons!!! I mean seriously..Brian..mikes older brother has severe Bipolar disorder and its magnified by his parents...namely the father.
   Now..my mother in law...well she i have more problems with then the father inlaw, and i think thats because she really belived for a very long time that i was just some phase in mikes life. That he would wisen up and leave me for some "good italian" girl. Well, im not justa phase..im the mother of his kid..whom he plans on marrying and it just kills her. No one is good enough for her dear baby mikey...and the bitch needs to CUT THE FUCKIN IMBILICAL CORD. He's 30..ok? She doesnt like....allow me to be his fiance...or allow me to be the mother to my daughter. Shes always second guessing any parental decision i make..from the big to small ones..and it drives me nuts. When i tell my daughter no...she tells her yes..and vice versa. She also..critisizes me on the way i feed,bathe,dress,play, and put to bed my kid. She follows behind me making sure i've closed a ziplock bag "properly"..or that i folded the clothes "correctly". Appearence is EVERYTHING to his parents..and mine just werent like that. Inspite of everything..my mom did love me..and was never afraid to show or tell me so. Same with my father...hugs,kisses, and positive reinforcement were typical in my house hold..where in mikes...they werent.
    I really doubt my abilities to survive here while mikes gone..i mean..like even when he gets out in 29 days...we're stuck here. We're both outta work and have ZERO money. So, untill we are working and save enough for a place of our own..we're kinda fucked to say the least.
    Being here makes me miss my mom so much more then i already do. I just need to remember to breathe and take everything at face value.


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